when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
