I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
