I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
