you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
