I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
