What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
