Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
