Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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