Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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