Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
