Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
