This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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