you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
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