her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
