So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
