I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
