ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
