saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
