He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
