I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
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when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
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Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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