just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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