I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
