I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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