is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
