apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
