I will die if light touches me.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
