This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
