Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
