remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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