no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
