You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.