Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.