I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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