Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
