she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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