I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
