Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
