I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
