happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
