If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
