your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
