dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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