Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Michael Bay diarrhea
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
