I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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