Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
