i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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