I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"