If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
