Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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