My Higher Power is John Stamos
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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