You smell like stripper and shame
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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