Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
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she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
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Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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