theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
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Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
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I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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