I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
