i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
