Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
