this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
