take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
